I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
my liver is dry heaving
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
