Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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