Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
