Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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