I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
