it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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