The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
