I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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