So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
