she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
