My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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