I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
