The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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