My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
