I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
