trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
