What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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