Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
