If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
