you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
where are my eyebrows?
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