The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
