So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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