sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
