We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
