When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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