If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
