Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
