Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
