I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
