so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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