Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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