Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
