I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
