Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
