i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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