somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.