so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
