Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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