On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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