She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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