I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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