How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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