We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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