I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
