I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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