My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You're a waste of cheezeits
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
