Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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