Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
