i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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