i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
