you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
