my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
