Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
