Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize