Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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